Ten Happy Things

Day 14: Ten things that make you really happy.

1.) The feeling of accomplishing something that’s been hanging over me for a long time.

2.) Getting into a perfectly comfortable bed and bundling up while my A/C blasts full strength and turns my apartment into a frozen tundra.

3.) Absolutely any time I spend with friends.

4.) Finding that one song that just feels so perfect at a given moment.

5.) Sharing a long hug with a girl I’m crazy about.

6.) When Ole Miss actually wins a football game.

7.) That sensation of impending freedom at the very start of a long weekend.

8.) Road trips. Or any travel, really. There’s no point in stressing about anything when you’re on the road!

9.) Falling in love with a new book or tv series and knowing you’ve got the entire back catalog to work through instead of having to wait for new chapters or episodes to be released.

10.) Family (last, but not least!)

What makes YOU happy?

-Mike

Ten Words

(Catching up to Saturday)

Day 11: Sell Yourself in Ten Words or Less

Devoted | Loving | Technological | Sarcastic | Protective
Ambitious | Curious | Introspective | Awkward | Memorable

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Okay, so I missed a day. Technically I skipped Day 9 and it’s currently Day 11, but I’m doing Day 10. And unless the weekend is forgiving, Day 11 and 12 can bite me because it’s Mother’s Day weekend and I’m going to be away from technology for a while. So here we go.

Most Embarrassing Moment(s).

Good lord I could write a book. I don’t think there’s enough hard drive space on the entire internet for me to properly chronicle all of the awkward things I’ve done and experienced in my life. My friends would quickly tell you I’m a walking magnet for awkward situations. But for the sake of brevity (and your amusement at my expense), I’ll narrow it down to just a few.

Grocery Goof:

This is one that still haunts me to this day, but it’s pretty tame so I figure it’s a good place to start. I must have been about 16 or 17 at the time because I hadn’t had my driver’s license for very long, but I remember I was still in high school. At that particular time my dad was crazy big into his Atkins diet and he loved eating all of the Atkins-branded products that flooded grocery stores back then. (I’m aware they’re still around, but this was back when the craze was in full swing.) One afternoon he gave me some money and asked me to run to the local grocery store in my hometown (which happened to be a Jitney Jungle) to buy up all of a certain kind of Atkins candy bar because they’d just stopped making them or something. Since driving was still NEW and EXCITING to me back then I was happy to take him up on that offer. So I go to the store, I scour it up and down, and finally I hit paydirt. I pretty much grabbed the entire box and went to the counter to check out. There was a girl slightly older than me running one of the registers and I thought she was pretty attractive so I figured I’d check out in her line. I was an incredibly shy, awkward teenager (hell I’m still a bit shy but I’ve warmed up a lot since then), so I couldn’t really think of anything to say to her aside from the usual chit chat. I just paid for my candy bars and left feeling slightly dejected and angry at myself for not speaking up when I had a chance, but I quickly forgot about it on the way home. So I get home, and my dad asked what all else they had. I mentioned another type of candy bar or snack or something I saw and he immediately gave me more money and asked me to go buy those too. I was a bit irritated but I figured hey, what the hell. It’s not like I had anything else to do that day, so I went back. I grabbed the SECOND box of stuff, and I proceeded back to the checkout. Once again, the cute girl’s line was a bit shorter than the others so I took it upon myself to try and say something to her this time. I waited patiently until it was finally my turn, and as I placed my items on the conveyor belt I gathered up all of the awkward courage I could muster and asked, “Don’t you hate it when you don’t get enough?”

There was silence for a moment. Then she slowly looked at me with a smirk and asked me what I’d just said. I repeated it again, innocently (in my mind) referencing the fact that I hadn’t bought enough candy bars on my first trip through her particular checkout line. “Don’t you hate it when you don’t get enough?”, I repeated again. She just chuckled and sort of turned red. She finished ringing me up and I went about my business, absolutely baffled why she thought it was so funny. I got in my truck and got about halfway home when suddenly it dawned on me. I felt like someone had dropped a stack of bricks on my chest I was so embarrassed. Thinking back, it really wasn’t so bad. But I never went into that grocery store again as long as it was in business (Jitney Jungle went out of business just a few years later). Sometimes I still wonder if she remembers that weird kid who seemed to want to discuss sexual habits in a grocery store checkout line. And then I turn blood red all over again.

No Comprende

This happened in high school as well. I can’t remember if it was my junior or senior year, but towards the end of my tenure there I was taking a Spanish class with some friends. Our teacher was really nice and fairly laid back, but at the same time I’d be lying if I said many of us learned a lot while we were enrolled in her classes. The bulk of our “tests” seemed to consist of memorizing eight or so Spanish vocabulary words and then writing them back down on a sheet of paper with their proper meanings and turning it in. It usually resulted in an easy A, and unless you just absolutely did not give a crap you had no excuse to not have an A average in that class. As a result, a lot of us used our class time to work on homework for other courses that we considered more important *cough*Calculus*cough*. So one day I’m sitting in there working on my Calculus homework in a panic, trying desperately to get it finished before next period started (I had a good reason for procrastinating on this assignment, but that’s another story for another day). Suddenly the teacher strolls in and announces a pop quiz. This actually pissed me off quite a bit because some friends and I had a theory that since she put relatively little effort into actually teaching us, she must have been using the pop quizzes as an excuse to get some of us to do poorly so our GPAs would look relatively believable instead of everyone having straight 100s. I mean don’t get me wrong, she was a nice lady, but her idea of teaching us was to pop in a VHS of Selena and then proceed to read a book for half an hour.

Understandably I was annoyed and felt like my time was being wasted. She stood up and appeared to leave the room, at which point my frustration boiled over and I just exclaimed “DAMMIT!!!” at nearly the top of my lungs. I thought I was in good company until I happened to look up and saw that the teacher was standing right there. Oh boy did I catch some heat for that one. I ended up having to apologize, but to this day I’m still more embarrassed that I was caught than I was for actually saying it.

The Grand Finale

I’ve debated whether I should tell this one. So far this is probably one of the most embarrassing moments (if not the most embarrassing) of my life, and until now only myself and a couple of other people have known of it. I never speak of it, for obvious reasons. But…I think it’s time I shared this horror with the world.

The year was 2007. Those of you who know me well remember that I went to California that summer. She and I are still great friends, but at the time I was in a three year relationship with a girl I was crazy about. It was long distance, and I had flown across the country to stay with her for a week and hit up San Francisco and lots of other awesome NorCal experiences…. Except for this one.

One afternoon she and I were sitting alone in her bedroom watching The Office on my laptop and fooling around when my body decided it needed to make itself known. I nonchalantly excused myself to the restroom and took care of some business really quick. At this point in the story I feel I should mention that California tends to have water shortages, and this particular girl’s house drew its water from a well instead of a typical water setup. I’m not exactly sure why, but the toilets in that house had all of the suction power of an elderly man trying to suck a golfball through a curly straw. I’m amazed even water went down. Unfortunately I did not know this prior to my encounter with said toilet. I had barely even done anything, but flushing that thing instantly proved to be an exercise in futility. I tried about two or three times to no avail, and at this point the water level had risen to a point that a fourth try would certainly end in disaster. I looked around desperately for a plunger, but unfortunately I was staying at the only freaking house in the world that didn’t have one handy.

I debated for a while what I should do. I toyed with the idea of reaching in, but the thought of it made my blood curdle. I looked around for any object I could use to remove the “obstruction” but the sad fact of the matter was that there was really nothing I could do. I considered just walking out and ignoring it, but I knew I’d be caught anyway so that wasn’t an option. I just ended up having to swallow my pride and walk back into my girlfriend’s bedroom to explain the situation.

“You’re kidding, right?”

No. I wasn’t.

I sheepishly followed her into the living room where her parents were watching tv and I uncomfortably explained the situation to them. Her dad just laughed and headed back to try and help, but in retrospect I really wish he hadn’t. His big idea for fixing my predicament was to pour hot water into the toilet. That’s it. Just hot water. Knowing how full the bowl already was, I knew it was an insane idea but he insisted on it anyway. He flushed and things quickly descended into the seventh layer of hell. It’s kind of a blur, but all I remember is frantically grabbing things off of their bathroom floor to try and protect them from the water. I grabbed a bath mat, an electric scale, and maybe a magazine rack. I honestly can’t remember. But the water started coming faster and faster and there was no end in sight.

Each towel that hit the bathroom floor to contain this disaster was probably as full of my shame as it was water. Eventually the tide was slowed but we still lacked a plunger. My girlfriend’s brother agreed to pick one up on his way home from work (yes, the ENTIRE FAMILY knew of it at this point) and in the meantime her dad went into the shed and got a freaking ShopVac to start emptying the water with. So there I was. I’d started the day in the arms of a girl I loved, and I was ending it in disgrace by dumping out the contents of a waterlogged ShopVac along their fenceline.

It all ended well enough, and to this day we still laugh about it. But until now I’ve never shared this secret with anyone but her and her family. So feel privileged, internets. You’ve now been introduced to one of the more humiliating skeletons in my closet. But if you know me at all, you know this story is only the tip of the iceberg.

I could talk about the very attractive nurse who took my stitches out after my surgery and the uncomfortable things that happened during. I could talk about that time a porn ad with sound popped up on my laptop in the middle of a crowded study hall. I could talk about that time I accidentally smacked one of my manager’s boobs at the office. Or the time I drove a golfcart into a house. Or the time I fell off a roof.

I could go on forever. But the truth is, we all have embarrassing moments. Some of us just have a few more than others. But hey, if I’ve made at least one of you laugh today, then it’s all worth it in my eyes. Embarrassment is the spice of life!

…But if you hold any of this against me, I will come to your house and kick you in the face.

-Mike

Trendsetters

    Day 8: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.

Stop caring what other people think.

I know that sounds cliche, and I’m sure you’ve all heard that advice fifty thousand other times throughout your life. But have any of us ever actually heeded it completely? If I’m honest with myself, I know it’s taken me a long time to learn that lesson. It’s easy to want to fit in and to give the opinions of others a little more weight than they should carry in our minds. It happens all the time.

We’re social creatures. We want to be a part of the group, because in the past being a part of the group meant survival. To show that we’re a part of the group we engage in some pretty ritualistic behavior. People wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, drive the same cars, watch the same tv shows, and go to the same bars on the same nights to drink the same drinks. And there is NOTHING wrong with that if it’s what you enjoy. Routine is safe. It’s comfortable. It’s easy.

But that doesn’t mean we have to be trapped in it.

Do not be afraid to have your own personality and your own tastes. If you think certain trendy clothes look stupid, don’t wear them. If you’d rather read a book than watch the game, start reading that shit. If people try to give you hell or judgement for any decision you make (and I mean ANY decision), just remember that their opinion does. not. matter. It may be uncomfortable at first. You’ll feel weird, and you might feel like an outcast. Maybe you’ll question yourself and whether you’re right to do/say/like the things you do.

In the long run I’ve learned one thing. People are always going to judge you. Always. No matter what you do or say or think or wear, somewhere, SOMEONE is going to disagree. And that’s fine, because you don’t have to care anymore. You live for yourself. No one else. YOU. Remember that. They’re not living your life or making your decisions for you, and they don’t have to live with the consequences of those decisions. Even if the person condemning you is a loved one, don’t feel the need to change yourself for someone else’s benefit. By all means have a heart-to-heart with them about it if you want, but if you go around changing yourself on a whim to fit the expectations of others you will never be truly happy.

The next time you buy something, do something, etc… Stop for just one minute. Think about the situation. Are you doing this because you really like it? Or because you like the idea that someone else will approve of you for it?

I’m not advocating being a selfish jerk here. Far from it. If you’re making a major life decision that will have an impact on the lives of those around you then yes, their opinions should be considered. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be yourself.

-Mike

PS. If you’ve never heard the “Sunscreen” graduation speech, watch this music video. There’s more golden advice in here than I could ever hope to cover in a single post.

Tears for Fears

I’m hesitant to put pressure on myself to write posts with any kind of schedule, because when I do I always end up putting them off and then this place sits stagnant for a year (as you’ve seen). So this time I’m going to pull some topics from a “Blog Every Day in May” site I found to give me a little soundboard to bounce my thoughts off of.

Since it’s May 7th, I’m starting on day 7, and as it so happens the first topic is a bit of a heavy one. (Don’t worry, they get decidedly more lighthearted in the near future.)

The Things I’m Most Afraid Of

I have a good many fears, but almost none of them are trivial. I mean sure, I do have a thing about heights, and if I see a roach I tend to chase it with reckless abandon because if I don’t kill it then there exists the possibility that it will exist simultaneously with me. In the same room. While I sleep.

NOPE.

But in general I tend to fear the bigger things. I’m only human, after all. What person isn’t afraid of being alone? Or sick? Or being helpless to fix a situation that’s beyond their control? A lot of us are forced to face those things, unfortunately. I’m sure at some point I’ll come face to face with them myself. I’d actually argue that I already have to a small extent.

Back in 2008 my world flipped upside down when my Dad ran out on my mom. I choose the words “ran out”, because I still feel like saying “he left” is a bit too generous and forgiving. There’s only so much respect I can muster for a person whose idea of “conflict resolution” was to suddenly disappear with nothing other than a few distant words on an answering machine. I was in college at the time, so it didn’t come with quite as much emotional baggage as I’m sure it would have had he left during my younger years. Despite feeling some of the most intense anger I’ve ever felt in my life, I figured I’d be fine and get over it eventually. And I mostly have. I’ve always been my own person, and without putting too many personal details online, I knew I’d be okay despite (mostly) losing someone who’d been in my life since birth. What I wasn’t prepared for was how badly it hurt my mom. And I guess it was some naive, shellshocked reaction of me to just assume she’d scar over like I did and grow numb to it. But that was probably my first brush with true fear. When your dad is suddenly gone from your life, you’re in the middle of trying to find your way in the world, and suddenly the only parent still around is left crushed and heartbroken. As strange as this sounds, I think feeling two emotional extremes sort of canceled each other out. My mom is as tough as freaking nails, and I’ve never met anyone more resilient than her. But seeing her cry pulled the most intense fear and intense anger out of me at the same time, and despite the massive stress I was under, I was too angry to stay afraid. And I was too afraid to stay angry. I just…was.

In 2011, I’d just started my new (and current) job. I’d been working there for a few months when I happened to come across an article discussing melanoma online. In the comments people were talking about how to spot dangerous moles and how melanoma was one of the most common cancers in younger people. I scoffed at first, but then I started reading the descriptions and suddenly remembered a strange-looking mole I’d had on my inner thigh for years. I took a quick peek and sure enough, it had changed from how I remembered it. It actually fit every single characteristic of the ABCDE checklist. Naturally, being a bit of a hypochondriac, I freaked out a bit. I immediately booked an appointment with my family dermatologist (who I foolishly hadn’t seen in years) and saw him as soon as he was available. He quickly sliced it off and sent it to a lab, and it came back pre-cancerous. I was booked for surgery that August and they carved out a good inch of tissue in every direction. (Incidentally, the aftermath led to one of my more embarrassing moments, which I’ll get around to in the ‘Most Embarrassing Moments’ post later on.) Since then I’ve had a few more removed and I watch my skin like a hawk. GET YOUR SKIN CHECKED, PEOPLE. I don’t care if you tan every single day or if your middle name is Dracula and you only emerge from the depths once a year to feed on the living. GO TO A DERMATOLOGIST. Once a year. You will THANK ME.

Fast forward to 2013, and here we are. I’m currently in a rather complicated relationship, my dad is still lost in the ether somewhere, and I have a neurology appointment scheduled for later this month to check out a few odd things. That last one I’m pretty worried about right now.

But to keep from diving any further into that kind of junk, I’m going to sum up this post as best I can. People WILL leave. You WILL get sick. Other people WILL disappoint you and upset you from time to time. If you typically think of your fears as including things like clowns and scary movies, cherish that. Those are things you can control your exposure to. The big things, we can’t control. Some people get lucky and only have to deal with the heavy stuff in small doses, whereas others get swamped with it from day one. But no one is immune to it.

We’re all in this together. And no matter how scary something may seem, that little fact reminds us that no matter what we’re going through, we’re not the first. And if for some reason we are, we most certainly won’t be the last. Even when we’re by ourselves, we’re never alone.

“Go where you fear to go, for in the absence of fear there can be no courage.”

Just something to think about.

-Mike

Back in Black

Okay. So. I know I’ve said like a billion times I’m going to start posting here more, and since I’m paying for this site I guess I kind of need to take advantage of the fact that I have it and stuff. The first post is always the hardest, so I’m going to go ahead and get the ball rolling. Expect more updates in the future! (And if you don’t get any, feel free to throw a rabid bobcat at my face or something.)

-Mike

Rollin’ On The River

This weekend I decided to travel with some friends down to Florida again to kayak Coldwater Creek. If you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. Thanks to the recent storms the water level was perfect this time and I barely had any issue with bottoming out like I did on the first trip (which, on an 11-mile stretch, can get pretty tiring).

I’ve really gotten pretty fond of Florida this year. I’ve been three times in just over a month, and I hope I can make it down a few more times before summer is over. It’s a beautiful state and there’s just a neverending supply of things to do.

This time I was back in Pensacola and visited the Naval Aviation Museum. I wish I’d taken some decent pictures, but thanks to traffic being backed up for hours at the underwater tunnel in Mobile we ended up arriving late and only had time for a quick run-through of the campus. Sadly I wasn’t able to see everything, but I did see several “last-in-the-world” aircraft, as well as the first plane to ever cross the Atlantic Ocean. It. Was. Huge. I’m serious, words cannot do this thing justice. I’d rather post my own pics of it (which I will later, because I fully intend to go back), but here’s a shot just to give you an idea of the scale. And the thing flew less than 20 years after the Wright Brothers. Wow.

Also went back to Crabs – We Got ‘Em, which is an EXCELLENT restaurant in the Pensacola area if you’re ever around. We ended up splitting “The Tower”, which was a dazzling array of Alaskan king crab, snow crab, dungeness crab, shrimp, oysters, sausage, new potatoes, and corn on the cob. Butter and tartar sauce were also in abundance, and I think I ate enough to kill a lesser man. But seriously. Look at it. Also please ignore the fact that thanks to a long day of traveling my hair somehow resembled Peter Griffin’s.

Also for appetizers we got these things. Not really sure what they were, but they seemed to be cinnamon-covered fried rolls served with honey for dipping. Diabetes? Pff. I’ll take twelve.

The view wasn’t half-bad either.

Anyway, blah blah, restaurants, fatness, etc.

For the river trip we woke up around 5 am and headed out for breakfast. The organization running the trips is called Adventures Unlimited and is based out of Milton, FL. Anyone who feels like a good kayak experience should definitely give them a shot. I’ve been twice now and they are nothing but friendly and helpful. You show up to the place and go register at the office/gift shop, then grab a life jacket and paddle. Around 8:30 we headed out for the float.

Having been both canoeing and kayaking, I can say without a doubt that kayaking is MUCH easier. They’re lighter, faster, and much easier to steer. That said, I finally experienced my first flip this time. I normally do pretty well, but thanks to the slightly deeper water the current was a bit faster and I ended up against a log. Next thing I knew I was wringing water out of my hat and chasing the contents of my flipped kayak downstream.

The thing about a kayak is, you’d expect to just be dumped out to the side if you flip, but it really doesn’t work that way. They really sort of just flip so fast that they roll over right on top of you and you have to get out from beneath them. Mine flipped so fast that most of my stuff was trapped beneath it and couldn’t float away. Winning?

After that refreshing screw-up, we kept going for about another two hours before one of my friends spotted a cell phone underwater. I paddled back for it and fished this guy out of the bottom. I have no idea how long it had spent on the riverbed, but it was still in good shape.

I had to dry it and get the mud off, but by some miracle this thing still works flawlessly. It’s a Sanyo Taho, and apparently they’re sort of waterproof (obviously). I’m going to try to head to Walmart tonight for a USB-to-Mini-USB cable so I can charge it up long enough to browse the contact list and see if I can contact the owner. So… yeah. Want a phone that can survive the apocalypse? Buy one of these.

So yeah. That was my weekend.

Oh, and I got left with this nice little souvenir, because I’m a moron.

Ouch.

-Mike

Electrek Feel

So yesterday on my way home from work, I snapped a pic of this bizarre-looking car. I’ve seen it several times in the past but it’s always traveling so slow that, on the interstate, I always find myself blazing past it before I can even grab my phone to take a pic. But this time, I was PREPARED. Behold!

I’d never seen or even heard of this car before, so I had to do some digging on Google. Apparently it’s EXTREMELY rare. It’s an Electrek by Unique Mobility (apparently a manufacturer of electric vehicles in the 70s and 80s in Colorado). I looked up the specs and apparently it has a range that even rivals modern EV cars like the Nissan Leaf. And this was made in the 70s!

Anyway, I thought it was neat. Check out this link if you’re interested. What weird crap have YOU seen today?

-Mike